Perhaps when he was introduced to the lifestyle of women in cuckolding and hotwifing relationships with their committed partners he was enthralled and aroused. Perhaps he felt as though he had discovered the ideal way to pursue sex with women who were far more free and adventurous than the those he had previously encountered. Perhaps he once admired the sexual freedom and empowered perspective these women reveled in and enjoyed their company. The taboo nature of providing sexual satisfaction to another man’s wife once made him feel powerful and desired, perhaps filling a void that he didn’t realize was there.
Perhaps one day, without warning, all of that changed. His perspective became tinted with a hue of cynicism. What he had previously recognized as confidence in the women he was having sex with suddenly seemed more like arrogance. He began to feel used by the very consensual sexual arrangements he had so willingly embraced before. A growing resentment festered within him for these women. The elements of the lifestyle that used to turn him on, like a married white woman proudly claiming her intense sexual attraction towards black men, now made him feel demeaned and small. What changed? Perhaps not even he could identify exactly what it was, at least not yet. But there was one thing he could be sure of, he was right; anyone who challenged him was misguided and naive.
Rather than acknowledging his wounded nature and addressing the harmful perspectives and disillusionment he had developed, the wounded bull turned his hurt outward into anger. By this point he had gained a following that viewed him as reputable and trustworthy. He was sure he could use his high standing and intellect to right the wrongs of the lifestyle. He allowed the feeling that had always lurked deep down to bubble up to the surface; he was better than other black men in the lifestyle. He began to use his platform to lash out at fellow lifestylers, bulls and couples alike, when he encountered a perceived wrong-doing. He prefaced each diatribe with the disclaimer that this was just his opinion to take or leave. He was well versed in hiding his disdain under a curtain of civility.
The wounded bull continued to play with wives even though the pleasure he received from each encounter seemed to dwindle steadily and incrementally, like sand coursing through an hourglass. Each time he would leave a couple’s home and pass the family photos framed and hung on the wall his bitterness would increase. It was then he allowed a thought he had held at bay to flood his mind: “These women say they love black men but I am nothing but an object for them to use and discard. I know these women would never date me or marry me and it MUST be because I am black.” A small part of his mind protested this notion as he recalled all of the genuine warmth and respect he had felt from married women and couples throughout the years. “No,” he thought, “I see it clearly now. All of that was a clever play to get what they wanted from me.”
The Wounded Bull would often lay alone in bed perturbed and sleepless. The lifestyle that once enriched his life and made him feel confident, sexy, and esteemed now brought him only misery. For a moment he begrudgingly accepted that it was time for all of it to end. He would bow out of the lifestyle gracefully having been responsible for saving countless marriages that he was sure would have ended in divorce if it weren’t for him. He would make a grand exit and then…and then…and then what? Date in the vanilla world? Create a tinder profile? He shuddered at the thought of re-entering that rat race.
A feeling of desperation welled up within his chest. He didn’t want to leave the lifestyle if it meant leaving ALL of it. He had invested too much-paid content sites, interviews, thousands of followers and devotees. And why should he give it all up? HE was the one doing the lifestyle right, HE was the one trying to make it better! The feeling of desperation quickly transposed into indignation. He would not be pushed aside by these amateur bulls and fake cuckold couples. He would find a way to make the lifestyle enjoyable for himself again. Ideas began to fly through his mind of how to achieve that goal. Perhaps he would stop playing with the established lifestyle couples and find a young, new couple he could carefully mold into his ideal lifestyle coupling. Perhaps he would develop a community of his own, curated to weed out all of the elements of the lifestyle he didn’t like. Perhaps he would use his following to his advantage, allowing them to do the heavy lifting of building the community and spreading the message while he served as the benevolent figurehead. The heaviness lifted from the Wounded Bull’s chest and he felt restored.
Hurt people hurt people.
The story that introduced this blog post was created for illustrative purposes only and is not intended to represent any one person. Rather, it serves to present the general attitudes of bulls who have become wounded during their experience in the lifestyle. Vulnerability is intrinsic to the lifestyle experience for all parties – cuckolds, cuckoldresses and bulls. We have all encountered negative experiences while pursuing the cuckolding lifestyle. This article is about the choices we make when we encounter negativity-be it in the form of selfishness, objectification, or rejection.
Bulls hold a great deal of importance and influence in the cuckolding lifestyle dynamic. Their role in the lifestyle is to be invited into the relationship between the cuckold and the cuckoldress, an intimate and sacred space. Many bulls find that this is the most preferable way for them to pursue sexual connections. Over the years, they may encounter couples in the lifestyle who do not make them feel valued. Or they may develop a desire to have more than a strictly sexual connection with a wife and “catch feelings” for her. There are a myriad of situations that may arise for a bull which are difficult to navigate and may bring about jarring and uncomfortable feelings.
An emotionally healthy man will manage these experiences by utilizing coping skills and taking responsible action. He may explore a number of strategies to process his experience, seek support, and heal from any harm he experienced. He may take a hiatus from actively playing in the lifestyle to take care of himself. An emotionally unhealthy man is likely to become resentful, angry, and jaded. He may suppress his feelings until he reaches a boiling point and lashes out at others. A bull engaging with this mentality is dangerous for the women and couples he becomes involved with. Although his pain is legitimate, he has the potential to irreparably harm the couples who invite him into their relationship.
Wounded bulls are damaging to cuckolding relationships but especially for women in the lifestyle. Identifying the unique behaviors of a wounded bull is key to recognizing and avoiding them.
Typically a wounded bull isolates himself from others in the lifestyle over a period of time and he chooses to only surround himself with either new and impressionable women or couples, or other wounded bulls whose behavior mirrors his own. His coping mechanism is to insult and push away from others so that he feels like he has a sense of control.
Isolating and controlling others is also a common sign of a wounded bull. Women should be wary of any bull who begins to try to control who you initiate conversations with in the lifestyle or who rejects any friendships or connections you’ve made along the way. He may also try to implement strict rules within your own relationship with your cuck – rules which dictate what you both can and cannot do and not just in the bedroom but in the rest of your lives. Just like an abusive boyfriend he insists on knowing who you talk to, where you go, and what you do. He wants to control you. He wants to own you.
A wounded bull is unstable. Watch out for any bull who seems to lash out at others or who stews over an incident for weeks or even months after it happened. This kind of unhealthy preoccupation with conflict and anger is a warning sign that he is holding on to some hurtful emotional baggage from his past and is unable to let it go.
If you feel a negative energy has begun to permeate through your relationship within a short time of introducing a new bull, or you notice that you have lost some female friends or acquaintances in that same time period, or the fun and freedom you enjoyed within the lifestyle has diminished, you may be dealing with a wounded bull. Distance yourself from him before it ruins your relationship with your cuck or sours your entire lifestyle experience.
Women together are a powerful force. If you see something, say something. The women in the cuckolding lifestyle have built a trusted support network so that when we recognize a wounded bull we warn each other to prevent him from further damaging others in the cuckolding or hotwifing lifestyle.
Couples also need to be held to account for the harmful effect of their behavior in this arena as well. The men who willingly step into the role of a bull in a cuckolding dynamic deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. They are not props to fulfill a couple’s fantasy, they are dynamic and evolving people who have their own complex reasons for enjoying this dynamic. As long as couples continue to receive bulls as kink dispensers, only seeing them in the context of their fantasy, this cycle of wounding will continue. Mutual respect, ongoing and enthusiastic consent, and effective, caring communication is paramount to a healthy relationship with a bull, as it is in every ethical, consensual sexual relationship.
If you are a bull and you see parts of your own behavior in this story, take a break from the lifestyle and use this opportunity to seriously reflect on what you really want out of the lifestyle. Perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate your goals and take the time you need to work through your issues before you return to the lifestyle.
The intention of this writing is not chastise or blame. Hopefully, those of us who love this lifestyle feel a sense of responsibility to ensure our concept of the relationships within cuckolding dynamics are safe and supportive. The wounded bulls who have operated in secrecy will no longer have the capacity to move in silence, perpetuating this harmful cycle. By naming this behavior, we seek to raise awareness and promote the healing process.
The cuckolding lifestyle is beautiful, fun, and incredibly sexy. Every cuck, cuckoldress, and bull in it should be valued, respected, and safe. It’s up to us as a community to recognize when things are going wrong and help each other to navigate the minefields so that we all can enjoy this amazing lifestyle.