The Green-Eyed Monster

I recently had the opportunity to participate in a conversation about my journey as a cuckoldress for a respected podcast about the cuckolding/hotwifing lifestyles. The host, who has become a good friend, asked me a very insightful question about jealousy.  He prefaced the question by explaining that women receive the message that jealousy is conflated with love from society.  He then asked if I questioned the love my fiancé felt for me because he wasn’t jealous of my sexual attention and encouraged me to direct it towards other men.  I’m so grateful for the host’s insight into the barriers and challenges cuckold couples and other non-monogamous couples experience during their development.  I’d like to share some of my feelings about jealousy, share how it’s effected us, and discuss some perspectives on how to manage jealous feelings.  I consulted my cuckold fiancé for this post to obtain his perspective and I will be including his thoughts on the matter.

We’ve all felt jealousy, that desperate, gnawing feeling that leads to anger and bitterness.  It’s a blight that curses relationships and can lead sane people down a rabbit hole of unending strife and chaos.  I was lucky enough to get jealousy’s number years ago, and what I discovered proved that this raging green-eyed monster is nothing more than a child throwing a temper tantrum.

Early on in my professional career, I stumbled into working as a domestic violence counselor.  Most would assume that I was working with survivors of domestic violence, but I actually worked exclusively on the other side of the isle with the men who had perpetrated the violence.  I had excellent training and a curriculum that focused on encouraging my clients to accountability for their violent behavior and learn relationship and communication skills.  As I worked with these men I began to see a pattern emerging: so many of their episodes of violence were motivated by jealousy.  These men were generally highly insecure, unsure of themselves, and in need of constant reassurance and praise.  Rather than the cold-blooded batterers that most would assume to find in domestic violence counseling, I was working with men who struggled more with self-confidence issues and had no tools to cope with feelings of inadequacy.  Sadly and unnecessarily, they fell into patterns of habitual violence that damaged their families and loved ones.  I am not arguing that jealousy has a causal relationship on intimate partner violence, as it has wide-ranging multifaceted causes.  I was, however, able to observe a very clear correlation between jealousy and intimate partner violence.

At this point in my life, I had already experienced my share of dealings with jealous boyfriends.  I didn’t fully understand the contributing factors to jealousy and I did briefly experience the misgiving that they were jealous because they loved me, and it felt good to seemingly be so loved.  None of those relationships lead to anything serious, as I have always slithered away from controlling partners.  My understanding of jealousy was cemented in my mind when I began working with my domestic violence clients, but it’s applicable for everyone.  Jealousy is not an admirable trait.  It’s rooted in low self-esteem, insecurity, and a lack of confidence.  No good can come from rampant, unchecked jealousy.

With this understanding in the back of my mind, I specifically sought out a partner that did not display any kind of jealous behavior.   Of course, I didn’t know anything about cuckolding, but I knew for certain that I wouldn’t be able to cope with a jealous guy.  When I started dating my fiancé, he seemed abundantly sure of himself, confident, and self-aware.  We have always been the kind of couple that wouldn’t dream about looking through one another’s phone or social media messages.  Trust flourished naturally from our openness and honesty with one another.  I knew early-on that jealousy wasn’t likely to rear it’s ugly head in our relationship, however, I had no idea just how much the trust in our relationship would be explored.

As our relationship evolved into a swinging dynamic and ultimately a cuckolding dynamic, we have experienced a lot of situations that may have sparked jealousy for other people. However, it was largely absent from our experience until it cropped up during a few moments in our cuckolding journey. This definitely makes sense for us, as cuckolding has been a far more emotional dynamic than swinging ever was. I came to understand that jealousy is one ingredient in the cocktail of emotions known as cuckold angst. This intense cuckold angst comprises so much of what cuckolds are drawn to sexually within their role in the dynamic. I like to describe these experiences as twinges of jealousy, they are often sharp but very short lived. The twinges of jealousy that my cuckold has experienced throughout our journey generally fall into three categories, and were addressed easily with communication and connection.

Jealousy of Possession

“I’m jealous over you.

Jealousy of possession is the simplest form of jealousy. It’s the jealousy that screams, “But you’re my wife/girlfriend! Therefore I deserve all of your attention/affection/adoration!” This jealousy is rooted in black-and-white thinking, attention-seeking behavior, and general immaturity. Carrying though the line of reasoning that accompanies this feeling makes absolutely zero sense. At some point, your significant other is going to have to shift his or her attention away from you if they desire to be functional in society. If couples in the lifestyle are experiencing this challenge, I would encourage the person experiencing the jealousy to specifically define what is triggering the jealousy. Do you experience feelings of jealousy that your wife is texting her bull as she sits next to you on the couch? Beyond the fact that you consented to this arrangement and encouraged her to explore her sexuality with other men, how rational is it to become disturbed by your wife or girlfriend sending a text message?

Jealousy of Envy

“I’m jealous over the man that’s fucking you.”

This is the form of jealousy that has been most prevalent in our relationship. My cuck realized very shortly after our transition that he could never provide me with the sexual pleasure that my bulls can. He had fantasized about this experience for years, but experiencing it in reality was raw and new. The bulls I have had the pleasure of sharing my bed with are generally athletic and have bodies that are very different than his. Yes, they are more well endowed, but they also have sexual stamina and virility that he has never been able to achieve. These specific jealous feelings can be very common for cuckolds, as they often deeply desire their Cuckoldresses to seek out men who are very different than them. This thought excites them, but can also trigger feelings of low self-esteem. Cuckolds who are confident in themselves may never experience this form of jealousy. Thankfully, my cuckold fiancé has grown out of experiencing this jealousy with time and communication. Reconnecting and taking a hiatus if necessary are two great approaches to addressing these feelings of jealousy.

Jealousy of Status

“I’m jealous over what we have.”

This is likely the most damaging form of jealousy.  These jealous feelings stem from insecurity and fear.  These feelings of jealousy are present when a partner in a wifesharing dynamic is afraid that it will lead to the cuckoldress/hotwife ending the relationship because, and only because, she has the freedom to fuck other men.  It’s the misguided belief that somehow, her sexual freedom will damage or break the foundation of trust and love the relationship was built on.  The inkling that introducing this dynamic will somehow cheapen or lessen the overall quality of the relationship.  Again, I would advise those experiencing this type of jealousy to think this line of reasoning through.  How can a mutually beneficial relationship style that requires increased trust and communication truly damage your relationship?  And if it does, was the foundation of the relationship built firmly enough to withhold the vicissitudes and challenges of life in the first place?  Asking yourself these questions should hopefully reveal the irrational fear behind these feelings of jealousy.

In closing, please realize that I am not asserting that if you are experiencing jealousy within a wifesharing dynamic that you are wrong or bad, that couldn’t be further from the truth.  Jealousy is a feeling, and while feelings are valid they are not always right.  Finding relief from jealousy is worth it for you above all else.